Donnie's Pain and Guilt
by Arikashika5985
Summary: Donnie blames himself for everything that's happened. He's fully convinced that he is to blame for Leo getting so hurt. After two or three months, he vanishes just as Leo wakes up from his coma. Later on, Donnie comes back with renewed energy, yet he still doesn't feel like his brothers want him around. (read to find out what goes down)
1. Chapter 1

Ch. 1

Once the gang got out of New York, they went directly to April's family's farm house. Located far outside of town.

"This is all my fault," Donnie thought to himself. "I shouldn't be talking anymore if this is all I end up doing."

Casey pulled up to the farm house and parked in front. The three turtles carried their unconscious brother in the house and upstairs to the bathroom.

April filled up the tub with water as they placed Leo in it. Donnie didn't say a word and left the room. He didn't feel like he should be around his brothers. Going outside, he sat down on the steps of the porch.

"What am I supposed to do now?" Donnie asked, staring at the ground.

"You could turn the barn into a lab station," April suggested, coming out of the house.

"Huh?" Donnie wondered, turning his head to see her standing behind him. "Oh… hi April," he said sadly, turning back around to face the ground.

"You okay, Donnie?" April asked, sitting down next to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder in worry.

"To be honest… no. Everything is my fault. I'm to blame for Leo getting this hurt."

"Donnie… it's not your fault."

"Yes it is." Donnie stood up and walked towards the barn. Going inside, he sighed sadly as he sat down at the work bench. He couldn't take this guilt for too much longer.

Back inside the house, Mikey turned on the TV to watch some cartoons. Raph kept a watchful eye over Leo. Waiting for him to wake up.

April went back inside, feeling like she couldn't do anything to cheer her friend. She goes into the living room where Mikey found the cartoon he wanted.

"I'm worried about Donnie," April says softly.

"What?! What about being worried for Leo!?" Mikey shouted, turning around towards her. "Who cares about Donnie right now?! No one should!"

"Mikey!" April gasped. "I can't believe what just came out of your mouth. Leo's not your only brother. Yes, I'm worried about Leo but Donnie's taking it really hard."

"And he should," Casey butted into the conversation.

"Gr, I can't believe you guys," April groaned, heading upstairs. Going into her old room; which was a plain old room, nothing special. Except memories.

~time skip~

It's been two full months now and Leo was still out of it. Raph talked to Leo a while, hoping he could hear him. But Leo still didn't wake up. "This is all on Donnie," Raph thought. "But… I can't shake the feeling that it's not always his fault. I miss that guy. He hasn't been in the farm house at all. Only when we brought Leo in here. Where is he anyway?"

April walked out to the barn with some food. She stopped at the barn door. Knocking on it, saying, "Donnie? You in there? I brought you some food."

The door opened after a while as Donnie appeared peeking out. "Oh. Hi April. Has Leo woken up yet?"

"No, sorry Donnie. He hasn't, but I bet he'll wake up soon. Here," April says, handing him the plate of food.

"Thanks," Donnie smiles softly, taking the plate and closing the door. April had a sad look on her as she walks back to the house.

Inside the barn, Donnie sat down at the work bench, cluttered with papers and some tools. He sighed, placing the plate of food near the edge of the table. Where a small pile of rotted food was, still smelling horrible.

Donnie picked up a worn out pencil and started doodling on the paper. He sighed again, "I barely ate anything. I always screw up and I bet if I decided to go off in the woods for a few weeks and come back… Leo would probably yell at me. Raph wouldn't care if I never came back. Mikey would be mad. I bet that'll happen. Without a doubt but… what other choice do I have? I got to get out of this guilt trip somehow. Right sensei?" he looks out the window at the sky.

He went back to his doodles. Feeling even more depressed, plus… the pain in his heart grew even more.

The second weeks of the third month, Donnie was now fully convinced that he was to blame for every single thing. He also knew what he had to do to get out of that rut. "Time for me to go for a while," he declared as he took out all his ninja tools and put them on the workbench. Taking his bo-staff off his back; gently setting it down on the papers, he walked towards the barn doors.

But before he opened the door, someone knocked on it. Donnie opened it up to see April there again. "Donnie please come inside the farm house with me. I miss your company and… Raph misses your voice in there."

"Raph… misses my voice?" Donnie asked with a blank stare. "I'll be honest, I'm laughing on the inside. I find that hard to believe. Raph usually hates my voice."

"Donnie, Casey even misses hanging around you. Even if it's to fight over me."

"Again, I'm laughing on the inside. Casey hates it when I'm around."

"Damn. I was sure those would work," April thought. "Would you come in the house… for me?" she asked out loud.

"Hm?" Donnie blinked. He took a little while to respond. "As much as I'd like to… I can't. I know what I have to do to push passed the guilt I'm still feeling. And I have to do this on my own. I'm really sorry, April."

April could tell that Donnie made up his mind. She couldn't change his mind at all. "I understand. But Donnie… please don't beat yourself up any more than you already have." She left, back to the house with a happy yet sad look on her face.

Donnie sighed sadly, deciding to stay a week longer. But once that week was over… he disappeared into the woods with only his ninja skills as defense.

In the house, Raph flinched and looked up at the tub once he heard a voice. He gasped once he saw his big brother's eyes opened. "Leo!" Raph shouts excitedly.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the long wait for the two that review this story a long while ago. I got caught up in my own novels again. But I hope you enjoy this next chapter ^_^

Ch. 2

It's been a month since Leo was back on his feet… sort of speak. His leg was still injured but he continued to try moving on. One day, he popped the question, "Where's Donnie? I want a little talk with him." That's the moment when Casey came busting into the house shouting, "Donnie's missing! I just went into the barn where he was for the past few months and he's gone!"

"Why that no good-" Leo was cut off by April.

"Don't you dare start dissing him too, Leo! If anything, he went off to attempt to push passed all that guilt he still felt. He told me that before he disappeared. He'll come back. I know it."

"Tsk, whatever. He wouldn't just leave us without an explanation."

"Well then, come with me to the barn." Leo stood up, grabbing the crutch to help him walk. He and the others followed Casey to the barn. Going inside, Raph was the first to gasp. He ran over to the work bench to see Donnie's bo-staff.

"He would never go anywhere without this," Raph said in a worried tone.

"What's with all these papers?" Leo asked.

"Yuck! And you guys thought I was the messy turtle? There's barely eaten food here and it's moldy," Mikey said, grossed out a bit.

Leo read what was on a piece of paper he picked up. It was a Venn Diagram with a name of one of their missions as the title. On the left circle, there was barely anything written and at the top said 'Pros that I did'. On the right side said 'Cons that I did' with a few things written under that one.

Leo looked at the other papers. All of them Venn Diagrams with either a mission or something Donnie made like Metalhead. Raph found a thing of paper on the bo-staff. He read it out loud.

It said:

Guys, everything is my fault. Don't bother looking for me; my minds made up. You guys are better off without me. I never should've been mutated.

At that part, Mikey gasped and started crying. "Wait, there's more," Raph said as he continued.

April's yours Casey. I never had a chance with her anyway.

"Whoo-hoo! Alright!" Casey exclaimed. April scoffed as she looked over Raph's shoulder. "What else does it say?" Raph continued.

I'll bet all of you are happy once you read this. I know how I can be more helpful than continue to constantly put you guys in danger. I'm not sure how long it'll be until I return. I have to do this alone. And if I don't die first, I'll probably not talk at all. It's my stupid mouth that gets you guys in worse danger. Maybe you should've let Spike finish me off Raph. I know, I don't have the right to mention him. You can yell at me if I come back.

~Nerd-bot out

P.S.: Oh and before I forget, the notes for the retro-mutagen is on the workbench. I made the big words small enough for Mikey to make it without blowing everything up.

Leo stood there thunderstruck once Raph got done reading the note. He didn't know what to do or think. Feeling worried now, he went outside, "Donnie."

Raph couldn't believe what he just read. The part about Spike at least. "Donnie. Nothings the same without you."

"I want Donnie!" Mikey sobbed. April tried to comfort him but she couldn't believe that Donnie gave up on her like that.

Two full months past and Donnie still hasn't returned. Casey didn't notice, he just kept trying to impress April. However, April ignored him and stared out the window.

The three brothers trained outside. Sparring against each other. They were at it for hours. Raph threw a sai at Mikey who dodged it. The sai was heading for a treetop.

"Oh, great," Raph groaned. "Huh?" He saw his said just hovering in midair. "What the-" It came back fast as the three turtles jumped out of the way. "What in the hell…?" Raph went over to his sai and took it out of the ground. Finding a piece of paper on the middle spike.

"What's that, Raph?" Mikey asked coming over to him. Raph took the paper off and read it out loud.

It said:

Bet you guys didn't miss me, right? If I'm wrong, go ahead and come find me now. Oh and if you do decide to come after me… don't plan on hearing my voice. That is because… when I first left, I got jumped and whoever it was literally reached down my throat and shattered my vocal cords. I bet you guys don't even care.

~I'm out

P.S.: Oh and I'm not telling you guys this to make you feel bad. So don't even try feeling bad for me. I'm not worth it

"Donnie was in that tree?" Mikey asked looking towards it.

"If anything we have to go after him. I know I don't always say this, but I really miss having Donnie around," Raph said.

"Do what you want. I could care less," Leo scoffed, heading inside the house. Raph got in front of Leo, blocking his path.

"I don't believe you Leo. You're acting like me! If anything I'm not giving you a choice. You're coming with us. Just think of it as training, ya big idiot."

Leo thought on it for a little while. "Alright fine," he groaned. "We'll leave first thing tomorrow."

Raph sighed as Mikey rejoiced. They went inside to pack a few things up.

What those three didn't know, was that Donnie was still in that tree. Listening to their conversation until they went inside. "I knew Leo wouldn't want me back at all," he thought. Donnie wore a cloak that only covered his arms – came down to his elbows – and it had a hood that he always came kept on. He had shin guards on as well as weights on his ankles.

Donnie went from tree to tree, going deeper into the forest. He stopped at a huge tree. Within its leaves housed a soft, leaf made pillow with an actual blanket. The branches all around made descent walls that were pulled together tightly.

There was a small little two tailed kitty sleeping on the leaf pillow. Its white fur was layered with light purple fur. Donnie smiled as he sat down on his knees. Closing his eyes to meditate.

Back at the house, Raph was arguing with Leo about going after Donnie again. Leo didn't want to go after him at all.

"If he wants to abandon us for this long then I could care less, Raph! Leo shouts.

"You know Donnie would never abandon us, Leo! You know he's been feeling all the guilt! Taking all of it in on himself! I don't believe I'm hearing 'I could care less about Donnie' coming out of your mouth! You're always the one who does care!" Raph's voice got softer. "You are our leader, Leo. Donnie went off to train on his own. He was right about him not being useful to us with all that guilt he feels. Come on Leo, you know Donnie did the right thing this time."

Leo groaned, feeling that Raph was right. But he didn't know how to express that he wants his brother back… in a way that really meant something. "Raph… you're right. I'm acting like you and I should be acting like myself. But what happens if I lose myself and say things I told you to Donnie?"

"Then… my guess is he'll feel all that guilt wash over him again and not come back to the team. Just a guess." Raph shrugged, placing a hand on his big brother's shoulder.

"Keep me in line if I start heading down that way."

"You got it. I'll just knock you for a loop if shouting your name doesn't get your attention."

"Nice and hard Raph. Nice and hard." Leo smiled, "let's get packed for the brother hunt."

Raph and Mikey smiled happily. April wanted to come along, but she had no choice but to stay at the farm house with Casey.

The next morning came as the three turtles put their packed bags on their shells. They started heading out the door when April briefly stopped them.

"I know you told me to stay put guys… but could you at least give this to Donnie when you find him for me, please?" April asked, holding out a small box to them.

"Of course, April," Raph smiled taking the package.

"Thanks a lot," April smiled.

"Yo, Red!" Casey hollers from the swing set.

"And… please hurry if possible," April says softly.

"We'll try," Leo tells her. "We can't promise we'll be back exactly when we find him." He had his crutch on his back just in case his leg acted up. He was walking fine right now as April smiled to him.

They headed off into the forest where they knew their brother had to be. Wondering the woods for hours, trying to figure out where Donnie would be. It didn't take long for the sun to set on the.

"Okay, let's set up camp, guys," Leo says stopping at a huge sturdy tree. "We'll continue our search once we've rested up."

"Alright," Mikey yawned, looking up. "Hm… I bet Donnie's up there."

"Hm?" Leo and Raph looked up at the tree they stopped at.

"That's… a possibility," Raph said, yawning while he set up camp. Once their beds were made, they fell asleep.

Up in the tree, Donnie peeked through the leaves. Seeing his brothers sleeping at the base of tree he made into a temporary home.

"Well… they made it to the tree, Saya," Donnie thought.

"Yup. They sure did," Saya thought back.

"I still don't understand why we can hear each other's thoughts," Donnie thinks, looking down at the two-tailed kitty beside him.

"Same here. But how about you talk to them. Use that one technique you learned."

"Hm. They'll probably not like it, but… you're right, Saya."

Donnie laid down on his leaf pillow. He took a deep breath before closing his eyes.

...

Please review ^_^

I've got more chapters of this one paper, I just have to be in the mood to type them out. So, I apologize for the wait guys


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